New Mommy

Dear Mocha,
I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. The past year has been shit. I found out he cheating on me and when he got caught his said. "I'm a man. What do you expect" 
So I left him. He doesn't care about me. Then two weeks later I found out I was pregnant. 
I wasn't going to tell him but I feel he should know. Now he wants to get back together.
One side of me wants to have a solid family foundation for the baby but I know he won't be faithful and I'll always be questioning when he goes to the store or anywhere else.
Should I keep my family together or be a single parent?

Dear New Mom,
1st congrats on the life you are about to bring into the world.
My answer is simple, babies do NOT hold families together and they certainly don't stop men from cheating.
Children also pick up on dissension. 
You don't have to be a single parent. You two can co-parent in separate homes.
He may be a GREAT father even if he sucked as a boyfriend.
All that matters is that he is there for the child.
I wish you the best of luck.

Mocha

Dear New Mom,

Damn.. That's wild crazy.. But in your case you may want him more than the family.. And just because you're prego doesn't mean its gonna change how he feels about you, especially since he stated that he is a man "so what do you expect".. Do what you have to for your child cause the guy you dealing with is obviously selfish as shit. 

Devastated

Dear Mocha,

After Christmas I was cleaning. I found a present. I was excited when I found a diamond tennis bracelet, because my boyfriend had already done so much for myself and our 3 children.
My heart stopped and my world collapsed when I read the attached card.
It was addressed to someone else. It spoke of his undying love for this woman he's been seeing for the past 5yrs. (We have been together for 7.) The card says that he is sorry that they can't be together the way he wants due to his "situation".
I can't stop crying. I thought we were happy. There was no indication that anything was wrong. He comes home every night. He takes care of me financially, physically, and mentally.
I work and take care of he and our children. I'm devastated. We have 3 kids. We have a house and 2 cars. He makes way more than I do.
I don't know what to do. Do I leave or do I stay? How could he be laying with me every night and loving someone else?
He'll be home from work in a few hours. I don't know what to do.
Please help.
Devastated

Dear Devastated,
My heart aches for you. There's no pill harder to swallow than thinking u are taking care of home and giving your all but your man STILL cheats.
There are so many different angles and questions to be answered.
I wonder why would he leave it in the house where you could find it? If this relationship has been going on 5yrs w/o your  knowledge, he has been careful. Did he leave this bracelet where u could find it, on purpose? Perhaps he wants to end it but can't bring himself to do so, so he left that for you to see so that YOU could break it off.
Or he expects you to flip so he can reverse it turn it into a trust thing, accuse you of snooping and say it's over.
The reality is, you have two choices, you can leave or you can stay.
You need to take your time and think about this from every angle. Don't make any decisions while you're so upset.
Is cheating your "deal breaker".
Are you ready to move on with your life without him?
I notice you mentioned the financial aspect but you never said that you love him. Do you? Or are you just comfortable?
If you stay, will you be able to forgive him? I can't tell you if you shld leave or stay but I will say, talk to him. Figure it out together. Whether you decide to leave or to stay, no one can judge you for the decisions you make for your family.

Jilted Sister

Jilted Sister: My younger brother brought his fiancée for the family to meet. She's white. He's a college educated black man and has only dated non black girls. Hispanic, white, Asian. I was insulted and made sure they knew it. Your grandmother is black. Your mother is black. I'M black! Are you too good to date your own kind? I called him an Uncle Tom. I want him to find a good black girl. Needless to say, he's upset with me and we haven't spoken in over a month. He won't return my calls. I don't want to lose my little brother but I hate when good black men crossover. What do I do?

Mocha: Why does it bother you so much that she's not black? If he's only ever dated outside of black why is it bothering you so much NOW? Do you think your reaction helped at all in convincing him to date a black woman? Have you ever asked him, BEFORE, why he only dates women that aren’t black?
Most people want to say there is a deep rooted self hate and that's why people date outside their ethnicity but let's face it, everyone has a preference. If he only dated heavy women, or older women, would you have a problem?
Perhaps you should be happy he's found love and is taking it to the next level rather than focusing on her skin color. Find out what made her good enough to marry. Don't look at it as losing your brother but gaining a sister.
Remember that love has no color and ones happiness is the ultimate goal.
Take them both to lunch or dinner and apologize for your behavior. Take the opportunity to get to know the woman beyond her skin color.

Young Yabb: Well you gotta get out of those slave days first. Its 2011 black men aren't getting killed like Emmet Till anymore.  Secondly your brother hasn't crossed over at all if he has never dated any black women. As a grown woman you should have taken his fiancée in open arms because your younger brother must have found someone who truly makes him happy and that's why he proposed to her. The third thing you need to do is apologize to her first and explain your reasons for being mad. Making things right with her will make things right with your brother. Honestly it doesn't matter what ethnicity you are when it comes to who you fall in love with. Love only has one color and that's red. Red being the blood that runs through two partners bodies.  You should want your baby brother to be happy despite the fact that he is with a white girl.

The Angry Sharer: I'm currently seeing a guy who recently told me he's also dating someone who has a boyfriend. Should I be upset?

Mocha: There are so many questions that arise. Are you two sexually active? What are the dynamics of your relationship?
What are you really upset about? That he's seeing someone else? Or the fact that she has a boyfriend? Why does that matter?
To answer your question, if you're not in a committed relationship, you're single. So he's actually free to do as he pleases and as long as he's safe what he does with another is irrelevant.
At least he's honest and is not trying to hide it.
If it bothers you, perhaps the "careless, open relationship" isn't for you.

Lost

Lost: Ok...so I've been involved with this individual for about 6 or 7months now...when we met we both had significant others but after 2months of involving myself with this individual I broke it off with the other person...now we have been living together for 3months now and I love her more than life itself...she told me yesterday that she no longer loves me and that she is moving out of the apartment that we share to be with her prior lover...I feel so heart broken and lost...I don't know whether to stand my ground and "fight" for the one I love...or either just "let go"!!! Can someone please help me?

Mocha: The circumstances under which u two became involved were already shaky and you moved in together quite quickly.

As cliché as it may be, it's true that people come into our lives for a reason or a season. Perhaps you've served your purpose in her life. Maybe your reason was to help her realize what she HAD.

As much as it may hurt, you’ve got to let her go. You cannot force someone to love you.

Review the entire situation and learn from it and remember the grass is not always greener.

Lust to Love

Lust to love: I have been in a sexual now turned love relationship. It started out physical but there was always something there from day one. We both have strong true feelings for one another but the only problem is he is involved. I wasn't informed of this woman until about 5 months into our courtship. I had to ask him because I ain’t no fool and his behavior sometime made me feel that he had someone else. Nevertheless I know he loves me. He invites me to his football games, we talk everyday non stop and have a lot of things in common. I’m confused. I love this man for his kindness and effort to make sure I’m ok. What should I do?

Mocha:  How long has he been in this other relationship? Is he married? That's the hard part about having a physical relationship; if it's purely physical, feelings should never be introduced. Most women cannot handle a physical relationship because most equate sex with love.

Just because he is concerned about you doesn't mean he wants to BE with you. He's just not a jerk and doesn't treat you like a "jump off" (and unfortunately, no matter how you try to rationalize, that is what the situation is.)

You have two choices:

1) Continue to be the woman on the side BUT keep your feelings at bay and play your position

2) Have a heart to heart with him about his relationship, about HIS feelings for you, where his other relationship stands, etc.

BUT

Be prepared if you express your feelings he could:

1) Leave you alone because it's too much emotion 4 him (when he already has a woman)

2) Feel the same way about you and want to have a relationship with you (but who's to say he won't do the same to you?)

Fed Up

Fed up:  My husband and I have been together for three years. Married one year. I fell in love with him because he treated me like a queen and gave me the world. Shortly after we got married he lost his job and now I am the bread winner. Now he is a different man. He is always angry and we fight all the time about everything. I want out. Am I wrong to leave now that he has no job?

Mocha:  This is not some guy you’re dating; this is your husband whom you made a vow to before God to cherish, through sickness and health, richer or poorer. Perhaps he is angry because you are making him feel like less than a man when he already feels bad that he cannot provide the lifestyle that he gave you. It’s your job as his wife to make him feel valid even though you have to pick up the slack.  This is not a reason to leave. Every relationship goes through rough spot. Work it out.  You wouldn’t want him to walk out on you if you were down.